the voices in your head

Life

2010-03-28T19:41:00.001-06:00

i'm growing up. As in, planning. I'm going to sell the Bug and get a better (hopefully automatic) car, and get a second job come fall (cause I really don't want to have to take out a loan. D: ) And then take some more courses in the spring, and then prolly move out in the summer.

Then!

Then I'm going to get used to living on my own...

Then me and Carolyn and Shan (if they want to) might move in with eachother for a while. Hopefully. *crosses fingers*

but yeah. When I move out, I'm thinking I'm going to have to have a roommate. I would go loony in a apartment all by m'self. Y'know?

Augh! So much to think about! Insurance and roommates and cars and learning to drive and growing up and travelling and potential boyfriends and- wait what? Boyfriends? Oooooohhh!!

Sibling Departure

2009-12-27T20:30:00.001-07:00

Patrick is leaving tomorrow morning...at 6. I don't want him to go. It's been amazing having him here with us, I didn't realize that I'd missed him so much.
Grandma and mom were both tearing up over at gran and gramps house celebrating his birthday when we got ready to leave. It was hard not to cry myself... 700+ miles is a really long way away. But, he'll be back. And in less than two short years I'll be moving out too, which is a bit of a scary thought, yeah? I think I'm just going to move into town first, but I want to go to PA soon. I want to move in with Carolyn and live as roomies for awhile. Don't you think it would be fun to live with your best friend?I reckon so. Thus the plans.

I wonder what kind of designs I'll do in my house/apartment/whatever... Like if I'll stick with my bright colors kick, or if I'll sink into bright nuetrals with bold accents or...insert variations here, I guess. I think that it'll be a mix. Like, soft walls but one of them be a dark purple or tangerine or somefink, and modern furniture. And it'll all be very airy and open. And on a street name, dammit.
Of course, all this will take money. And lots of it. Which will require a full time job, which will in turn hopefully leave me with enough time to accomplish the things I want to do.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of a social life I'll have. I mean, with my current level of social output, it'll prolly be dead before it even has time to smell the air...but I hope that it'll be better than that. Like, I need to make some friends here in a bad way. Maybe I'll meet someone in my photography class. Heh. Someone handsome and kind and funny who'll put up with my dingbatedness and who'll hold my hand and actually understand who I am. Heh. Hehe. Somehow I doubt that someone like that would like someone like me. But hey...a girl can dream. Right?

Plus I sort of have someone in mind, but the kabosh has been put on it already. Sigh.

Ahhh, I don't wanna do it.

2009-11-22T20:42:00.001-07:00

Does anybody know how to use power point? Apparently I have to use it to set up my final presentation for psychology, and then I have to talk. D:
I think I want to skip it...seriously. I hate hate HATE talking in front of class.
And I have no idea how to put together a presentation. That could theoretically pose some problems.
But I suppose I'm talking myself out of it. It's only two minutes of my life. >.>
See, I'm supposed to summarize my term paper and I *can* use power point, but I wonder if I have to...hmm.
Well.
That's all.
The main point of this post was to test out my new blogging app on my phone :P

Speaking out at last.

2009-08-04T19:28:00.003-06:00

and boy, does it feel good. Goodbye to the bottling it in, goodbye to the I'm-not-going-to-say-anything-because-i-don't-want-to-offend-anyone, adios amigos.
I am making a resolution, right here, and right now. I am going to say something to the person abusing her kids for not sitting still, the person that yells at their spouse for something they did or did not do, and the completely unreasonable touchy as an open wound can't-do-any-right person.
I'm going to tell them that I think what they did/said is completely unreasonable, and fuck yes am I going to reprimand them for it.
Because sometimes, I guess, people just don't realize when they make complete asses out of themselves.
and they need to. Especially if human civilization wants any chance whatsoever to continue.
So here I am, America! keep your morals close at hand, and put your head between your legs and kiss your pride away.

on the other hand, I'm going to start complementing people on good things. Like saying "I love you" to their family every day, or holding the door open for someone, or fixing dinner every single night without fail, or being kind to the this and the next person, or for being environmentally conscious, or for tons of other stuff. I feel if I'm going to start speaking out, I at least need to make it a level playing field for all sorts of speeches, shall we say.

and last but not least. I wrote a poem. Shocker. It deals with the stigma that being teenage with dyed hair and a lip ring brings about.
here we are :)

Oh me, oh my, what have we here?
A hit of pot, a case of beer?
But from who did it come from?
That of the old, that of the young?
People assume 'tis that of the teens,
As we are the ones who like to be seen.
But unhealthy behavior and horrible habits,
More often than not, belong to the rabbit.
The 'rabbit' of course, refers to the old,
That malleable people, so ready to mold,
Into the frame of society now,
Of smoking and drinking and eating bad chow.
So what is this stigma and why is it there?
Because of face piercings, black nails, and dyed hair?
Or perhaps the old just need someone to blame,
So they looked all around and saw the wild; untamed.
They pointed their finger and squinted their eye,
They dissed our appearance and shivered at dye.
They looked at the outside and assumed by the by,
We're rebellious, we drink, and then go get high.

now. I'm not particularly satisfied with the ending line. It's just kind of...bleh. and the beat is off.
but it's what I've got, so..
yeah.
g'night.

wiki love

2009-07-17T15:09:00.006-06:00

Wikipedia is god. That's all I'm saying.
today, I got the notion into my head to find out what the commonality is called between humans and the rest of the animals in the world. Like, the scientific term for it. After reading a lovely long article about what makes a mammal a mammal, I found that all animals are connected by a 'kingdom' which in our case is 'Animalia'. And then! If you are a mammal, then you are connected to us homo sapiens by way of your class, which is 'Mammalia'. Then it gets into different orders and families and species and sub-species, and a bunch of other stuff I can't even pronounce, let alone understand.
but what a lovely way to spend a few hours, yes?
and the other day I was researching directions, and why they are named what they are, and stumbled upon another amazing article entitled 'Cardinal Directions'
I mean, really! All the information one could want, neatly supplied in one website, and written by normal people! You don't have to be a scientist! It's like the ultimate unschooling info site, ever.
well maybe not. imho, shall we say.

in other news, my ears are TEH SPARKLEH. I got them drilled through with wee metal studs by a guy I've never met. Aren't humans wonderfully insane?
no, seriously though. My ears now have earrings embedded in them. For six weeks. And I'm not allowed to touch/play with them, except to keep them clean. I may die.

in other other news, I'm going to a play tonight! a musical, technically, but it's going to be awesome. It's called the 'Totally Awesome 80's Revue'. Mom's thrilled to be going. (she hates 80's music). It's going to be put on by the Jump Company. I once wanted to do that, but I had a few disagreements with the set up of it. For example. it costs like $50 a year to participate, and I'm not even guaranteed a part, AND it said on the website that you HAD TO BE enrolled in a grade. I emailed them and railed a bit about how they are being segregational towards home/free schoolers, because some of us free thinking folk don't put much salt in a grade, and thus don't keep track of them. I also said that it was ridiculous that a grade level instead of an age should matter. AND I told them right out that I preferred being homeschooled, and I don't feel that I would benefit from being subjected to eight hours of 'canned education', so if they wanted to keep their company solely to people who keep track of grades, then WHATEV. (that was paraphrased incorrectly, btw).
well, turns out my wee little rant made it all the way to the president of Jump Co., because that is who emailed me back. He explained why they charge per year, which I understand. Then he told me that they use the term grade instead of age because that's what most people use, and that they don't exclude homeschoolers. He said that the passion in my email was indicative of a great actress hidden in me, and he hopes that I become a part of their company.
yes. I was flattered, so sue me.
I never did join up, because soon after that, my acting zest sort of kicked the bucket. it was a bucket of water, which also dowsed my desire to really do anything performance-wise, besides be a lead singer of a band, and to sing in general..
I still wonder if the president actually responded personally, or if they just stuck that name on there to make it look more important.

and in all other news, whatever.
I need to sign up for my college classes. I'm going to be taking seven credit hours this term, so that should be cool. I'm taking japanese and psychology, which is kick-ass.
I've found that I have the most deep seated satisfaction when I am in a 'structured' learning enviroment, like college, or when I'm in belly dance or voice. I enjoy taking lessons. But I do think that if I had gone through public school, it would have killed that love of learning, because of the redundancy. In college, they tell you whatever they want you to know once, and expect you to get it. and in public school, they tell it to you twelve thousand times, test you on it, then cram other useless facts engineered only for regurgitation in your head.
so, does that make me an intellectual? or just someone who loves to learn, I guess.

anywhoo.
I can write in greek letters. not actually *in* greek words, but hey. I've memorized the greek alphabet. yay!
and now I must be off. to work, seeing as I'm there (or is it here?) right now.
I will give you a philosophical dilemma before I take my leave.
Is a human an animal? Not in a scientific sense, but in a consciousness sense. Is your brother the same as the neighborhood stray cat? If so, why do you place a higher value on him?
think on that over your daily porridge.
I lift my bowler to you if you have an answer you can live by.

ta-dizzles.

Justification.

2008-12-23T23:30:00.004-07:00

Yes, I know that you are not in the best of places with me now. I know I've acted like a brat, a petulant whiny one at that.
I'm sorry.
If you'd like, now that I'm a wee bit more reasonable, I have some reasons why.
I think why I defy you, and revolt when you ask me to do something, is that it feels like you are the only person that I can say no to. I always want the people immediately around me to be happy, so much so that I tend to just do what is asked of me, because I know that it will keep the peace. Even though I pretty much know by now that you react with little grace to my childish-ness, I can't help myself. It's as though I want to see you change. For your knee-jerk reaction to be just the smallest amount different, for me to not flinch when you're in a bad mood and I'm nearby. I know that your reaction is just as ingrained in you as my causing it, I just somehow feel righteous in accusing you, while exonerating my self of all the blame, even though we both did the same crime.
Perhaps this isn't making sense. I don't know. But I'm trying my best.

I'm not going to pass off my behavior on mood swings, or just being in those "teenage years". I know that I've been an unmanageable annoying girl, easy to dislike.
I'm not trying to excuse myself either. Simply trying to let myself express, in a nonviolent way that will perhaps make communication between us less stressful.

I feel horrible, watching your reaction, judging by the smallest slumping of your shoulders how disappointed I make you at times. But I don't know how to change it.
I'm going to find out.
Because I hate watching you, when I'm not happy, and so I make everyone around me not happy, and you take to it worse than the rest.

Sometimes I think I'm vindictive that way. I feel as though when everything crashes down, me being the prime target, I need to take everyone down with me, everyone that I can get my hands on. Instead of letting my bad moment pass, I dwell on it, let it fester, and then suddenly my mouth is full of peoples heads because I've bitten them off.

I try to make up for my inability to move, (laziness), to help out at all, by being overly cheerful, or annoyingly worried over the tiniest of things, or just downright annoying. I know several people who have taken all three views.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, while I know that I've been inexcusable over the past few months, I will get better.
Just give me some time.

Cat Haikus

2008-12-06T14:02:00.001-07:00

even my creative genius does not stretch to the extent of writing a haiku for a cat. But someones did! found via stumble (no duh.)

cat haiku

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then --
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper?'

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes,
Fear vacuum cleaner

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, poop! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams;
My claws are not that sharp.

Mergers.

2008-12-06T13:45:00.001-07:00

once AGAIN found on stumble. I think I'm in love with it :p

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner deal,
here are the latest mergers we can expect to see in the year 2000:

 Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace
Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

 Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler Crackers merge to become
Polly-Warner-Cracker.

 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

 John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

 Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining merge to
become Zip Audi Do Da.

 Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

 Denison Mines and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MineAll Mine.

 Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

 Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin  manufacturing reproductive
organs.

 Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become
Fairwell Honeychild.

 3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become
3 Penney Opera.

 Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.

 Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and
become Knott NOW!


=D

some advice...

2008-12-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

...once again found through Stumble! YAYS!

From a newspaper column written by Mary Schmich, a columnist for The
Chicago Tribune, who said she wrote it "while high on coffee and M&Ms"
on May 31, 1997.


Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own
meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But
trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall
in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how
fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed
your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle
Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people
who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with
yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in
doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to
do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know
still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when
they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe
you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't
congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices
are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of
what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever
own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should
hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle,
because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you
when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in
Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will
philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize
that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble
and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund.
Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one
might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look
85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply
it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the
past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and
recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.>>

and something that I juat barely ran across using !! stumble !!

2008-12-04T18:26:00.002-07:00

sorry, it's kind of long. But I agree with almost every point.

Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

~Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003
_______________________________________________________________________________
lovely, in'nt it? especially since I happen to be one of those girls who IS dating the nice guy. And loving the crap shit out of him. :)

bleary and dreary and grayer than gray...

2008-12-04T14:23:00.003-07:00

...equals into no customers willing to pay,
for rain spots on cars all just because,
they need to send off their christ-a-mas stuff.
And so our store is slower than slow,
we're standing here waiting for people to show,
but they stay at home, or at work, or away,
with hot chocolate and muffins, and STILL they won't pay,
for rain spots on cars all just because,
they need to send off their christ-a-mas stuff.

thought of, composed, edited, and posted by me.
I was supposed to be at work today, but as you can see with the above poem, it is a wee slow to have four people in at once...
so. I'm at home, being bored.
As you can tell, by how long I am dragging out this post.
.
.
.
.
I'm going to go and read now.
.
.
.
or at least sometime soon...
.
.
.
aren't I wonderful? I'm the most amazing person in the whole world!
.
.
.
seriously, why are you still reading? go and do something productive.
.
.
.
I mean it!
.
.
.
fine. I'll go. Happy?
.
.
.
apparently not.

:D

Oh god...

2008-11-27T13:18:00.002-07:00

Family has arrived. Help me.

...

Would it be horrible if I were to hide in my room for all of Thanksgiving?

O_O

oh, by the way, Happy Thanksgiving!
y'know, if you celebrate that sort of thing.

Okay, I swear it'll work this time... runs

2008-11-20T16:46:00.003-07:00

gah! I really need to get over my shyness. Patrick has some friends over and they want to start a band, which I would sing in, so they asked to hear my voice and so P started to play Nemo, and I started to sing, but it was all weak and shaky and I was literally shaking. And I don't really shake out of nervousness at all. It really sucks! Because at camp I said my intention was to get over my fear of performing publicly and now look how I'm doing. Like. Crap.
I've gotten better! I mean I can sing in front of my family now, but I guess in front of people that I might run into again or something, I freeze up.

Weird Al is so funny. He's also incredibly insincere sometimes, but occasionally that is what a girl needs to hear. Also, his awesome hand squeaking rocks.
=D

heh, I just a email from Aaron. :)
I get the feeling if he looks at my blog he'd be a wee surprised at it's contents. I'm not like my writing... and seeing as all of my readers know me, as far as I'm aware, they could back me up.

I've decided to actually not end this post in a highly philosophically depressing rant. In'nt that sweet?
I know. I'm too much.

oh and P.S.
would it really kill you to leave a comment or two?
All you've got to do is click on the 'Thoughts of other people link', and voila! You're there! Type away to your hearts content!
Truly.
I'm dying for some human interaction here people.
=D

to the end.

2008-10-10T18:35:00.002-06:00

your smile lingers,
shining sunlight down onto my face.
your laugh echoes,
creating a beautiful resonance in my head.
your embrace beckons,
calling for me to be part of it once more.

you said once that I am your love, and
I replied in kind.
but since that time,
I've seen less and less of you.
to the point of nothing at all.

but although these miles separate us,
I know that you,
will always be,
with me.

what do I do?!?!?!

2008-09-10T14:21:00.002-06:00

I'm scared now. A person in my life is having issues, and I don't know what to do to help her with them! I feel so useless.
I miss her so much. So very very much.
I think I need a plane ticket.
And about a week off work.
yup.

*leaves to go ask for time off*

oh, holy damn, holy damn, holy damn

2008-09-09T23:35:00.003-06:00

wow. I just watched a movie that inspired some severe emotion in me. Dead Poets Society.
For the first half of the movie I was literally yelling at it, because the main character 'kept doing the stupidest things, and the other half I spent sobbing my brains out.
I'm such a sop with movies.
I feel rather drained and shaky now, actually. That was a really really good movie, though. I'm glad I watched it. Aaron recommended it to me.

Oh! I haven't really said to much about Aaron, have I? Well, him and me decided to be together, (whopping surprise there. Literally, I nearly passed out when he asked me over the phone), and so we've been dating since July 12th. I'm really happy. =D We saw each other at camp, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to either go and see him, or have him come and see me, because I miss him...
I just tried to call him but he was asleep. I got his dad, (lordy, they sound the exact same when they answer the phone. His dad, his bro and him all have almost the exact same voice.) and he tried to wake Aaron up, but Aaron sort of mumbled and fell back asleep, so I said I'd call back tomorrow.
I really wanted to talk to him about the movie, though! God, it was good.

I've just noticed, I use the "Lords" name in vain a lot. I should work on that...

You've probably guessed by the quotations around that word that I have some doubts. I don't really have a religion. I mean, I believe that there is something out there, but I don't know what, and so far I haven't found a religion that I really identify with. I mean, they want you to believe such specific standards!
I think that all of the religions have good points to them, some of them have really great teachings and whatnot, but I have an issue with how they all seem to claim to know what is really out there, when there is no way to know! Not with utter certainty, and until then, I can't follow something blindly, just hoping that it will all come true when I finally die. I would rather live in the unknown and be surprised, and not disappointed.
Of course, it might not be a welcome surprise, but at least I won't get that sinking feeling of disappointment, if it isn't all that is promised to be.
And if there really is no life after death, if we really do go out like a candle, then I guess I have nothing to worry about, because once I go out, there won't be anything to feel, because there won't be anyone to feel it. Y'know?
But that particular course of dying scares the living crap out of me. I once had a dream that I died in, and it just went completely black, and all that I had was the sense of being smothered, the sight of black nothing, and the complete fear of realizing that nothing was there anymore, and I was completely alone.
Then I woke up and found that I had been holding my breath.

If that is what happens when I die, if all I have are those senses, then I am afraid of dying. Otherwise, I'm vaguely intrigued. I mean, I'm not going to jump of a bridge, just so that I know what death is like, no I will live my life completely, then experience death, when my time is right, and when I'm mature enough to handle it.

That is what I believe.
I suppose that is my faith, that things will pan out just fine, and that everything has a meaning, but was not necessarily supposed to happen. And it wasn't a bad thing that it happened, it simply changed the outcome a wee. Or a lot, depending.
I mean, is that a blind faith? Is that considered a religion, even when it doesn't rotate around a central head Deity, a god in other words? I feel as though I have to believe in something, because if I don't then how do I know that this is all here? That the keyboard that I am typing on is an actual piece of matter, and that my brain and heart and lungs and everything are all working together to power this human, this consciousness that is typing?
If I don't believe, then do things cease to exist?

ow ow ow ow ow so on and so forth...

2008-06-23T14:14:00.002-06:00

*whimpers*
right, so, I came up with this great plan one night.
late night, so it's all explained... =D
I am going to get fit and healthy!! hehehe, yeah...
So, after putting it off for like three weeks, I finally started my excerise regime last night. I'm using like a ten pound weight and doing all sorts of funky squats and lifts and yadayadayada. Yeah well Apparently my leg muscles aren't to strong because right now, the muscles round about the back of my kneecaps are feeling like water.
=(
If I even go to crouch down, it feels like my legs are going to give out..
hmmm, I think I'm gonna lesson the weight a bit for my first few time =P
So, that's about all.

All the excited noise humanely possible

2008-06-01T21:41:00.008-06:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!
*gasp gasp hyperventilate*
Aaron (from camp) called me!!!!!!!

=)

eep!!!

how he got my phone number, I don't know... Perhaps from Logan, but I thought they weren't talking... hmmm.

beside the point, anyway.
Plus, he siad he called back tomorrow! 'Cause I missed his call, so he left me a voice mail asking me how I was and that he would call again tomorrow because his emails aren't getting through.
=) =) =) =) =) =) =)

I think my day has just been made! =D

Blue seems to be my color lately..

2008-04-29T23:09:00.004-06:00

..well, actually purple and yellow both look better on me, but that is beyond the point
I've been feeling lonely, of late. Dunno why, just been kind of down and, y'know, lonely. There isn't really another way to put it.
I'm pretty nervous for my upcoming singing recital. It's on June 2nd, and we're gonna be in a new room, (It's real big with a spotlight and the audience is in the dark) and allot of people that I know are coming, and what if I don't live up to their expectations? What if they are expecting this amazing broadway or operatic talent? Becuase I just don't have that voice... I'm getting there, real slow like, but I'm probably singing songs a little beyond my level. And think I sound alright singing them, and My teacher says I am doing awesome on them, but what if she's leading me on? How so I know if anyone is truly being honest with me, if I have no proof to go up against?
I guess that is what is called blind faith, which I think I have a small problem with. I told my Mum this and she said, "How do you know that I love you?"
So I thought about and came to the conclusion that I didn't know.
But know, as I think about it, I think I do. I feel it in every fiber and piece of my body, and I don't believe it without question. I have asked her before, "Do you love me?" and I have asked the same question in my head, but I know that she does.
So then, is blind faith when you believe in something without question?
I'm so confused.
Because if I start to think that nothing is solid, because I have no proof, it's like the world is crumbling away. So, I have to believe, if only in the ground and the sky and air. Y'know?
Yeah, I've been feeling philosophical lately.

I'm also a little worried. I really only have two really good friends, so naturally I'm a little possessive. And I don't want to drift apart and not hang out anymore, and grow up apart. And I'm scared that's going to happen soon. Because I don't really have anyone else, so I think I would miss them a lot if that happened.
So that's what has been lying heavily on my mind for awhile, now.

Gwee-taar

2008-04-19T19:48:00.005-06:00

yep. I am actually re-learning the guitar. I know, amazing, eh? =p
I actually might take lessons. 'Course the guy I want has a waiting list. He's cool, though. Apparently, (I'm getting this through my dad), he'll teach me anything I want to learn, without having to learn the basic scales and such first.
I also already know the basic scales. Or most of them anyway.
lets see, I know the Chromatic, (sort of), C major, the blues scale, (not a basic scale, and sort of, not really), and, and- uh... hmm.
I don't know the basic scales.
But I do know chords! Whoppin'!
Well. I know some chords. Really not very many at all.
So, for the mo, I'm teaching myself from a book. It's called 'How to Play Guitar' by Roger Evans. It seems informative.
My current goal is to play a Norah Jones called Painter. Play and sing it.

Wouldn't it be cool to hang out on an English forum? I have been reading a book called Ptolemy's Gate, by Jonathon Stroud and it's the third and final (crappy ending, by the way) book in the Bartimaes trilogy. So, naturally I wanted to know how to pronounce Ptolemy. Well this is what I got: [ (tl-m)]
For the non-dictionary speaking among us, it is, I believe, TOE-leh-me. Not sure though.. I know the P is silent. Yeah, me and my bro were looking up the pronunciation on da internet and when this turned up we were like, and I quote, "Huh? um, yeah, lets try somewhere else.." < yes. our amazing talent for cutting sarcastic comments failed us at such a time of need.
hehe, our English lesson for the day. As though simple normal speech weren't enough, people still feel the need to question us, me mainly, about our learning habits. Apparently everything isn't a good enough teacher. *rolls eyes*
It's truly not that hard to wrap your brain around the fact that yes, I learn from living, rather than eight hours a day of canned 'education'. Deal with it.
*grumbles* some people..

just some fairly unremarkable news. 8b

2008-04-07T20:53:00.006-06:00

yep.
so.
anyway.
aaaaaaand, th- thats all folks!

hee hee

okay, now I've got that out of my system, shall we get on to the unremarkable news?
I have actually decided on a bed!! *Chorus of holy angels belting Hallelujah*

yup, Me and Dad are going to rebuild my old loft bed. Actually, we ARE rebuilding my old loft bed, as we worked on it all weekend... The bed part is completely sanded with the first coat of stain on it, and the legs are built, also with the first coat of stain. And then, once it warms up a wee bit, (like a big wee, we're getting frigging SNOW! but that's a different story) I am going to put on the second coat, which is the same antique walnut, but with poly-something in it. I can't ever remember the name of it... *sigh*
and, It's gonna have an adjustable hight desk underneath it. It'll be awesome!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been hearing way too much about housing and apartment costs in Corvallis, Oregon in connection with my bro. I'm not ready for him to move out yet! Besides, he said he'd wait until I was sixteen, but with him missing Lady Rae and what not, I doubt he'll stick around for too long after he turns eighteen. I'll miss him pretty badly.. It's nice to have someone 'round the house who can relate to being a teenager and such. Not that I hate my parents! I love them with all my heart, but y'know.. It'll be different. =(
...depressing subject...

wa-HOO! I'm a TV prank star!!! yippee! Me and mah friend *name non-disclosed* made an American Idol spoof! It's really quite funny. I shall post it::

haha, funny eh?
*editorial note* We do actually have good singing voices, but that would sort of ruin the point of the video, yes?

soo, anyway, not really remarkable news.. but, better than horrible silence all of my devoted fans had to endure for almost AN ENTIRE MONTH!! *GASP*
jyaane.
which is Japanese for see ya later.

ALIGATOR!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha - okay..

To be comfy, or not to be. Now that is the question..

2008-03-19T19:00:00.005-06:00

I'm having some bed deliberation problems at the mo.. I know that we just got a bed from the youth ranch, but I don't think my heart shall ever truly settle on a sleeping arrangement.. Oh I can hear my future spouse,
"You're moving furniture again?!?! No. Wait. Don't tell me, is that bed new?"
*evil grin*
anywhoo, I have been attracted to daybeds with trundles. And convertible sofas, but those are rarely comfortable..
SO
I have been browsing around online and found two items of furniture that caught my attention. Unfortunately one of the two items would cost over $800 dollars once I was finished with it. =(
ANYWAY
first off, a daybed with a trundle that can fit under it, if I were to buy that as well.
http://www.moredaybeds.com/Hillsdale-110-010-90007-Mid-Town-Daybed.htm

The Details

Hillsdale Hudson Daybed
frame - $419.00
trundle - $100.00
two mattresses - $238.00
+ tax
$802.42 (approximately with tax)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The second, I know, is a convertible sofa, but it looks so comfy!! And futons aren't that bad..
http://www.daybeds.com/futons/convertible-sofas/maliflexfutonset.cfm#ReviewHeader

The Details

frame, mattress and cushions - $199.99
+ tax
$211.99 (approximately with tax)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the third, which is at our local Everton Mattress.. (thus I don't have a link to it.)
Brushed white, with simple non-curving slatted sides and a pop up trundle that fits underneath.

The Details

frame - $349.00
trundle - $119.00
two mattresses - $238.00
+ tax
$748.36 (approximately with tax)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

SO
These are my sleeping choices, and for once, (go ahead and stretch your jaws for the drop), I am thinking it through! And taking my time!
I know, whoppin', eh?
and now a poem to head you off with ~

A keening sound from here and there,
The end is near, jets in the air,
To carry people far from here,
This place of sorrow hate and fear.
To designate, to deprecate, to dutifully damage,
Lest always love whats left behind,
And hearts always be ravaged.
Forgive, forget, be free, and love,
Whats that to merciful gods above?
To the beaten down, silenced, enslaved,
A path in the dark, needlessly paved.
The concrete stops all growth and light,
Things that are "free" grow old and get blight,
Disgusting and rotten, to Love lost it's way,
And sank down with the rest to mold and decay.
So what is that strange keening sound that I hear?
Is it jets in the air, or is the end finally here?
If it is jets, I will sigh and I'll cry,
If not, be relieved that at last I'm to die.
Give up on my life, I will not today,
Optimistic I'll be 'till my breath fades away.

..yeah, I was pretty depressed when I wrote that.. Not obvious, eh? =D
anyway, I'm off to pitch my bed debate to my family! Or at least try andcoax an opinion out of them.

Shame we couldn't both be survivors..

2008-03-04T23:00:00.008-07:00

And as I'm the one typing this, you can safely assume that Murfy has passed on. I took him to the vet because he clicked when he breathed, and found out that he had severe pneumonia. His lungs were filled with fluid, leaving very little room for him to breathe. He died sometime last night, after I had gone to bed. Some pictures, to remember him by::
(and no, he didn't have red eyes)

You're a hard nut to crack, Zinny Taylor

2008-03-03T19:47:00.003-07:00

I tell myself that I am simply hard to get to know. Or shy. Or reclusive.
It all boils down to the fact that I'm truly open with hardly anyone.
I tell myself that once someone really knows me, then I will become this interesting knowledgeable character, and I share everything with them. But I have known my two best friends for nearly eight years, and am I open and honest with either of them?
No.
Is there truly anything inside of me worth knowing? Or am I simply a empty shell, to be interacted with, but never valued?
What is truly inside of me, that which makes me tick? Why am I so dull around friends, and yet so full of life by myself?
Am I truly a loner?

Murfy

2008-02-24T18:35:00.003-07:00

Very happy now! whoopee! whoopee! whoopee! (Maybe that was a little overboard...)
Murfy is home! A day early!
Murfy is my new guinea pig, and he is adorable! and healthy! and Happy! and Sweet! and Piggy!
no seriously, he loves his hay. Eaten almost all of it now.. And he's drinking his water. I'm realizing just how loud his water bottle is. I am thinking if I got him a bowl, though, it'd cramp his cage and he would probably sit in it. Which would be cute, but unsanitary.
But Cute!
and he'd probably defecate in it.
ah well..
I'll have pictures up in a bit, after he has settled in a wee bit.

Petsmart

2008-02-23T20:29:00.002-07:00

*frustrated screech*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I have been to petsmart three, count them THREE times in the last week to try and adopt a guinea pig. First time was on tuesday night. The lady there said that as they had just gotten them in, they would have to keep the pigs in a room for three full days to make sure that they were healthy.
Okay. I get that.
Then the lady said that the pigs would be out on friday.
Alrighty then, I'll be back on friday!
Friday rolls around, and no guineas. The lady whom I talked to before got her dates screwed up, and so the guineas were ACTUALLY coming out on Saturday.
I was a little annoyed at this, but the lady said she would hold this really cute dalmatian one for me, and I found some good food bowls, so the trip wasn't waisted.
Today is Saturday. I went into Petsmart after a long day of snowboarding, and first of all there was no ne there to help me out. So after hunting down a store associate, He went back to get my piggie, and I thought, Okay, everything is actually going to work out this time.
Wrong.
He comes back holding my piggie in a box and produces some forms for me to sign. So I took the clipboard and proceeded to sign my name. Then he looked at me and was like, "Your eighteen, right?"
Damn it.
he voice inside my head was like, "Do I look eighteen, dumbass? Of course not! Doesn't mean I'm not responsible!" My outer voice was like, "no..."
He looked over at Patrick. "Is he?" Patrick shook his head.
"Well you've got to be eighteen to buy him."
OMIGOD! I swear, I am not destined to have this animal. So he walks over to some evil looking wench and confirms that someone has to be eighteen or over to sign on the form thingy.
SO, they are going to hold my poor little guy until Monday when Mom and Dad get back, so that they can come in and sign a god damn piece of paper. I swear, if the sell him buy them, I am going to scream. Anywhoo, evidently Kids aren't responsible or else people simply assume that we are idiots.

Earthquake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!1

2008-02-21T11:19:00.002-07:00

Like seven in the morning, we, (yes us in podunk idaho), got the aftershock of a 6.0 earthquake that hit Wells, NV. It was exceedingly creepy. Mom and Dad were just leaving for their Yellowstone christmas trip and me and Patrick had got up to say good bye, and all of a sudden the fans and lights an the fountain behind Dad all began to shake. I origanally thought that a bird or someting was in the fountain, 'cause thats what I noticed first, but then I ntoiced the fan and fridge, (which was vibrating most creepily). I don't like that! We live in Idaho, were not supposed to get earthquakes! I'm glad that my friends whom lived in Wells for a time moved into Twin last year...

Downtown Wells

____________________________________________________________________________________

At work

2008-02-15T13:15:00.003-07:00

My Mother is at the other counter immatateing the old owners laugh. It looks somewhat like a donkey throwing up.

On another note, I have gotten back into poetry, although it is doubtfull I wil win. I enjoy writing things like that, even if they are more rhymes than 'poems'. Ah well... I am trying this new experiment about writing a story that is in sets of four line rhymes. It is quite cool really! It takes me a while to write a set of rhymes, a rhyming dictionary would probably help that. I still need to get the hang of using one. It's weird, I have to look up the sound of a word instead of the word itself. Anyway, I must go and eat lunch before I drop dead..

Town

2007-12-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

She had never liked aimless wandering. It made both her feet and mind weary from hours of thoughtless plodding. Eventually, they had made it through Costco and had almost gotten out of the clothes and books section. Her mother gesticulated her over, holding up a sweater. She appeared to be telling the girl how soft it was, and how green would look excellent with her red hair. The girl smiled a little and nodded, consenting to try it on. Her mother smiled and pulled her around to go show her father. The girl wandered off soon after that and spotted that Costco had pants of the same material. She smiled guiltily, knowing that she did not have the money to pay for the outfit, and picked up the pants, running the material through her hands. She grimaced for a second, looking at the price tag, then went over and dropped them in the cart. Finally, the family made their way to the checkout aisle, already swarmed with late Christmas shoppers. The girl looked around, her eyes alighting on a big screen TV that a woman with two kids was purchasing. She looked around at her own father, remembering when he had bought his big screen. They had rarely ate a meal in the dining room since. Her mother tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she would please grab the cinnamon from the cart, as she had forgotten to. The girl obliged, squeezing between the checkout stand and the customer that was right behind them, whom was already unloading their groceries. She snatched the cinnamon from the cart and placed it on the stand, then squeezed back through to join her mother and father. The three digit price tag on their groceries shocked the girl, though she should have expected it, this was Costco after all, land of the twelve packs of ketchup. Her mother tiredly pulled out her card and slid it through the machine, which prompted her for her pin number. The girls smile lessened a little, she did not like pin numbers. Personal Identification Numbers are pointless, she reasoned. We are individuals! Not Cattle that needs to be tagged and numbered. Isn't that what social security was for anyway? The girl knew that the numbers were needed so as to protect from identity theft, but she did not need to like them to use them. Once they had cleared the checkers at the stand, and the checkers at the exit, they made it to their car and unloaded their cart. What with dog food, cat litter and an antique picture frame, it was quite a lot of stuff to fit in the back of an Element. Finally, the cart was returned, the car was loaded and everyone was buckled up and ready to go. They had to go to the post office to drop a letter for the girls cousin. Then they ran over to the dollar store, where they bought tin foil pans for the cinnamon rolls that are soon to come. The girl had happy memories plastered all over her face in anticipation. She licked her lips and grinned at the mother, who rolled her eyes and turned to pay for the pans. After that, they headed for their last stop, Fred Meyers and the Notorious Wine Selection! or so it seemed to the girl, when they were another hour in the wine section, antagonizing over what ones to choose. Eventually they settled with six small bottles, that way if they did not like them, it wouldn't take such a horrible bite out of their budget. The family got to the checkout stand, and were either handed the obviousness of their age on a silver platter, or the checker was simply incompetent when the mother was not asked for ID. Once out of the store for good, the family walked back to the car, cracking jokes and having a generally good time. Pointless wandering sometimes may be aimless but still fun, reflected the girl, listening to her parents continued laughter up in the front seat. A good time for laughter, after a full and tiring day, is perhaps in the front seat of the car, waiting for a light to turn green so that they can go home.

An Intro

2007-12-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

Today, you shall meet a girl। Not a very special one, but in her own way, irreplaceable. Her life has many twists and turns, many of which are not recorded here. Such as her parents decision to remove her and her brother from school. This decision has many impacts, most of them positive. As you will soon come to understand, this girl is both ordinary, and exemplary. Do you wish to know more? I could tell you many bits of her life up to this point, most of which involve her family and close friends. But she does not wish me to, thus her life starts from now. Beginning with a venture into town that occurred earlier in the day.