I'm scared now. A person in my life is having issues, and I don't know what to do to help her with them! I feel so useless.
I miss her so much. So very very much.
I think I need a plane ticket.
And about a week off work.
yup.
*leaves to go ask for time off*
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
oh, holy damn, holy damn, holy damn
wow. I just watched a movie that inspired some severe emotion in me. Dead Poets Society.
For the first half of the movie I was literally yelling at it, because the main character 'kept doing the stupidest things, and the other half I spent sobbing my brains out.
I'm such a sop with movies.
I feel rather drained and shaky now, actually. That was a really really good movie, though. I'm glad I watched it. Aaron recommended it to me.
Oh! I haven't really said to much about Aaron, have I? Well, him and me decided to be together, (whopping surprise there. Literally, I nearly passed out when he asked me over the phone), and so we've been dating since July 12th. I'm really happy. =D We saw each other at camp, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to either go and see him, or have him come and see me, because I miss him...
I just tried to call him but he was asleep. I got his dad, (lordy, they sound the exact same when they answer the phone. His dad, his bro and him all have almost the exact same voice.) and he tried to wake Aaron up, but Aaron sort of mumbled and fell back asleep, so I said I'd call back tomorrow.
I really wanted to talk to him about the movie, though! God, it was good.
I've just noticed, I use the "Lords" name in vain a lot. I should work on that...
You've probably guessed by the quotations around that word that I have some doubts. I don't really have a religion. I mean, I believe that there is something out there, but I don't know what, and so far I haven't found a religion that I really identify with. I mean, they want you to believe such specific standards!
I think that all of the religions have good points to them, some of them have really great teachings and whatnot, but I have an issue with how they all seem to claim to know what is really out there, when there is no way to know! Not with utter certainty, and until then, I can't follow something blindly, just hoping that it will all come true when I finally die. I would rather live in the unknown and be surprised, and not disappointed.
Of course, it might not be a welcome surprise, but at least I won't get that sinking feeling of disappointment, if it isn't all that is promised to be.
And if there really is no life after death, if we really do go out like a candle, then I guess I have nothing to worry about, because once I go out, there won't be anything to feel, because there won't be anyone to feel it. Y'know?
But that particular course of dying scares the living crap out of me. I once had a dream that I died in, and it just went completely black, and all that I had was the sense of being smothered, the sight of black nothing, and the complete fear of realizing that nothing was there anymore, and I was completely alone.
Then I woke up and found that I had been holding my breath.
If that is what happens when I die, if all I have are those senses, then I am afraid of dying. Otherwise, I'm vaguely intrigued. I mean, I'm not going to jump of a bridge, just so that I know what death is like, no I will live my life completely, then experience death, when my time is right, and when I'm mature enough to handle it.
That is what I believe.
I suppose that is my faith, that things will pan out just fine, and that everything has a meaning, but was not necessarily supposed to happen. And it wasn't a bad thing that it happened, it simply changed the outcome a wee. Or a lot, depending.
I mean, is that a blind faith? Is that considered a religion, even when it doesn't rotate around a central head Deity, a god in other words? I feel as though I have to believe in something, because if I don't then how do I know that this is all here? That the keyboard that I am typing on is an actual piece of matter, and that my brain and heart and lungs and everything are all working together to power this human, this consciousness that is typing?
If I don't believe, then do things cease to exist?
For the first half of the movie I was literally yelling at it, because the main character 'kept doing the stupidest things, and the other half I spent sobbing my brains out.
I'm such a sop with movies.
I feel rather drained and shaky now, actually. That was a really really good movie, though. I'm glad I watched it. Aaron recommended it to me.
Oh! I haven't really said to much about Aaron, have I? Well, him and me decided to be together, (whopping surprise there. Literally, I nearly passed out when he asked me over the phone), and so we've been dating since July 12th. I'm really happy. =D We saw each other at camp, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to either go and see him, or have him come and see me, because I miss him...
I just tried to call him but he was asleep. I got his dad, (lordy, they sound the exact same when they answer the phone. His dad, his bro and him all have almost the exact same voice.) and he tried to wake Aaron up, but Aaron sort of mumbled and fell back asleep, so I said I'd call back tomorrow.
I really wanted to talk to him about the movie, though! God, it was good.
I've just noticed, I use the "Lords" name in vain a lot. I should work on that...
You've probably guessed by the quotations around that word that I have some doubts. I don't really have a religion. I mean, I believe that there is something out there, but I don't know what, and so far I haven't found a religion that I really identify with. I mean, they want you to believe such specific standards!
I think that all of the religions have good points to them, some of them have really great teachings and whatnot, but I have an issue with how they all seem to claim to know what is really out there, when there is no way to know! Not with utter certainty, and until then, I can't follow something blindly, just hoping that it will all come true when I finally die. I would rather live in the unknown and be surprised, and not disappointed.
Of course, it might not be a welcome surprise, but at least I won't get that sinking feeling of disappointment, if it isn't all that is promised to be.
And if there really is no life after death, if we really do go out like a candle, then I guess I have nothing to worry about, because once I go out, there won't be anything to feel, because there won't be anyone to feel it. Y'know?
But that particular course of dying scares the living crap out of me. I once had a dream that I died in, and it just went completely black, and all that I had was the sense of being smothered, the sight of black nothing, and the complete fear of realizing that nothing was there anymore, and I was completely alone.
Then I woke up and found that I had been holding my breath.
If that is what happens when I die, if all I have are those senses, then I am afraid of dying. Otherwise, I'm vaguely intrigued. I mean, I'm not going to jump of a bridge, just so that I know what death is like, no I will live my life completely, then experience death, when my time is right, and when I'm mature enough to handle it.
That is what I believe.
I suppose that is my faith, that things will pan out just fine, and that everything has a meaning, but was not necessarily supposed to happen. And it wasn't a bad thing that it happened, it simply changed the outcome a wee. Or a lot, depending.
I mean, is that a blind faith? Is that considered a religion, even when it doesn't rotate around a central head Deity, a god in other words? I feel as though I have to believe in something, because if I don't then how do I know that this is all here? That the keyboard that I am typing on is an actual piece of matter, and that my brain and heart and lungs and everything are all working together to power this human, this consciousness that is typing?
If I don't believe, then do things cease to exist?
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